I turned your moral-superiority

into rejection.

I was angry

you couldn’t feel my estrangement.

My acquiescence

was self-abandonment

dressed up as hope.

1.  I used to think loyalty meant leaving myself to stay close to you. Now I know I can love you without abandoning me.

2.  I used to believe that if I didn’t match your pace, I was being disrespectful. Now I respect myself by matching my own pace.

3.  I used to fuse with your urgency because I called it care. Now I know real care lets both of us breathe.

4.  I used to think separating meant I was creating disunity. Now I know I was just untangling what was never mine to carry.

5.  I used to dim my light so you would feel less alone. Now I stand in my own light so I don’t feel alone.

6.  I used to confuse your loud play as more valuable. Now I value my own play, anchored & contained, in my solar plexus.

7.  I used to move my star into your orbit and call it devotion. Now I shine from my own coordinate and call it devotion to myself.

8.  I used to think “not merging” meant I was disloyal. Now I know staying in my own frequency is the most loyal thing I’ve ever done. 

9.  I used to apologize for taking my own time and space. Now I honor my time and space because it’s how I stay true to myself.

10.  I used to believe I had to leave myself to play the way you did. Now I honour my own rhythm and stay with myself — steady, bright, and free.

11.  I used to use comparison to measure my worth. Now I use my own resonance to know my worth.

12.  I used to hold resentment because I thought you owed me your orbit. Now I release resentment because I own my own coordinate.

13.  I used to feel inferior when your way looked bigger, better, faster, more. Now I feel grateful for my quiet, steady, & unperformed way.

14. I used to stay merged out of fear of separation. Now I stay grounded in myself, and separation becomes space — not exile.

15. I used to feel your non-compromising way as rejection because I’d already compromised myself to you. I now devote myself to my non-compromising way.

1. WHAT I SAW CLEARLY

I saw that I was using conflict to avoid my own path.

Every time I felt the terror of walking my life on my own, in my own way, on my own terms, I made the rift with conflict urgent. I would manage it, ruminate on it, explain it, justify it. I stayed in the closed loop, in a false belief pattern, so I wouldn’t have to face my own aloneness.

The conflict was my delay tactic. I’m not delaying anymore.

2. WHAT THE SUFFERING WAS FOR

“Suffering, you were my stand-in for inward listening, self-care & courage.

You kept me busy so I wouldn’t have to feel the breaking away; the separation from others that scared me. You wore my dad’s face, my teacher’s face, my friend’s face, my ex-husband’s face, my sister’s face, and said, ‘Not yet. You can’t be separate, alone.’ So I turned back, again and again, and made conflict my quest for love, connection & safety.”

“Suffering: you weren’t evil. You were training wheels. You made sure I didn’t run into my destiny before I could bear the weight of my boundless freedom.”

“I can bear it now. Thank you. Your job is done. I don’t need projected conflict to avoid my true aloneness, my boundless freedom, anymore.

3. WHAT I RECLAIMED

I reclaimed my right to walk away from fused-states of being, (identifying, clinging, running, ignoring, defending, guarding, hiding). 

For years I used “crisis” as proof I couldn’t leave — that ‘connection & safety’ meant I had to stay in the conflict loop to be loyal.

And now, I reclaim my legs. I reclaim my compass.

I get to choose my direction without asking if it hurts someone else’s map.

My path is mine again. It was always mine.

4. THE VOW I’M LIVING NOW

I stay with me first.

When the old ‘pull’ comes — that ache to explain myself, to fix the rift, to rehearse conversations in my head — I stop.

I put my hand on my chest.

I take one breath.

I feel my feet on the floor.

I remind my body: my first loyalty is to my own coordinates.

I do not abandon my own coordinates; my breath, my body, my voice, my energy; in order to cling to someone else’s.

I do not call it love when I reject & leave myself to hold time, attention, & space for others.

I reclaim my legs, and I use them.

If a connection can walk beside me, it’s welcome.

If it can’t, I walk anyway.

This is how I walk now. This is the vow I’m living.

5. HOW I’LL KNOW I’M FORGETTING

I’m forgetting when I catch myself rehearsing conversations in my head.

I’m forgetting when I’m scripting my lines, imagining reactions, trying to land the perfect explanation that will finally make others see it my way.

That’s the old contract waking up: “If I explain myself well enough, I won’t have to walk alone.”

I’m also forgetting when ignorance has overridden my authenticity “to be the bigger person”.

I’m forgetting when I name self-abandonment as “compassion” and dress up false loyalty as “maturity” or “keeping the door open.”

The tell: I feel resentful but say it’s fine. I feel small but call it love.

Signal: I’ve left my own coordinates. I’m back in the conflict loop to avoid my path.

Remedy: Hand on chest. One breath. Feet on floor. I stay with me first.

6. HOW I’LL CELEBRATE THIS REMEMBERING

I celebrate by staying with my breath, in my body, in my space, on my path, and letting it feel good.

When I catch myself choosing my coordinates, I mark it.

I let the morning be mine. I make tea and drink it while it’s hot. No cold tea for ghosts.

I move my legs for joy, not for escape. I walk my street. I’m standing on my own star, in my own light, and it holds me.

I speak one true sentence out loud: “My path is mine again.”

I do one small thing that is only for me. 

Not productive. Not healing. Just mine.

I don’t wait for my loved ones to understand. I don’t wait for the conflict-story to close.

I celebrate the moment I remember I was never waiting.

The celebration is this:

I’m here.

In my legs.

In my life.

In 3-D.

And it’s good.

There’s just the Unity Way

Playing in both same & different ways 

Remembering that the idea of sameness 

can become possessive of ‘the unity way’,

And that the idea of different-ness

can become a threat to ‘the unity way.

But both possessiveness & threat

of the Unity Way

Is just a forgetting 

Of the Unity Way;

That the Unity Way Is all there is, 

playing in both same and different ways. 

The world is not 

the source of feeling loved.

You are. 

Within you, there’s a place 

where boundless love originates;

The true and lasting kind. 

If it’s not felt within you, 

It only means you’ve deceived yourself,

And this deceived part of you

Is still attached to believing

That only the world can supply love, 

Ignoring the truth that love can only be found within.

Now, let that sink in. 

It’s time to remember where Real Love is.

Forget the notion that all your pain

Comes from the loss of a world’s dream

For dreams cannot love you. 

They may seem to for a time, 

But dreams and time are unstable at best.

Forget the unreal belief 

that all your grief, 

Comes from having gained love

But then betrayed you.

Remember the Wholeness of You 

That is already Love  

Independent of the world’s love 

and its hateful demands and selfishness. 

Remember the Hearts Happiness

Before the world “made” you happy.

Recognize this ever-present love 

Flowing from your Authentic Self.  

Do not stagnate any longer 

in the grief-based story of you 

Continuing to feel the pain of loss

And clinging to a worldly love  

That can only make you suffer in the end.

Stop falsely believing 

That outside love is required  

And still needed 

To bring you lasting happiness. 

That kind of love is a lie. 

Authentic Love never lies. 

A version of you called the “adaptive-self”learned to stay safe by becoming whatever the people and/or environment required of you. 

If you grew up in unpredictability, your adaptive-self learned to minimize your needs. 

If you grew up around volatility, your adaptive-self learned to anticipate shifts before they happened. 

If you grew up with emotional distance, your adaptive-self learned to pretend it didn’t need closeness. 

If you grew up with criticism, your adaptive-self learned to perform perfection. 

If you grew up with inconsistency, your adaptive-self learned to be quiet, small and cautious. 

These self-adaptations were not wrong or weak, they were coming from your Inner Intelligent Authority.

This Intelligent Authority, which is You, opened an emotional ‘line-of-credit’ on your behalf (when you were a child) until such time that you were able to remember that you no longer need demanding environments that require something of you that you cannot honestly give.

You don’t need that old ‘line-of-credit’ that keeps you drawing from it to give to an environment that is actually now indebted to you.

This Intelligent version of You is here on your behalf to forgive your debt. It’s all been paid in full. You owe nothing.

All past emotional debt, along with all compounded interest, has been forgiven.  

It’s just that easy. You are Free. 

This Freedom 

Living nowhere inside or outside, 

Living everywhere behind & throughout; 

I can disappear, and reappear, 

Because I am not an appearance. 

I am all soundings, all silencings, 

All movings, all stillings, 

All sightings, all blindings, 

all findings, all losings, 

all apathies, all intensities.

I need no explanation or reasoning  

Why or how I hide or appear,

Because never do I hide or appear at all.

When words speak stories in My name,

I hide in that exposing. 

When words speak stories in another’s name,

I get exposed in that hiding.

Always I am known to MySelf,

Even when I hide.

I am This Freedom.  

I hold the master key to the divine mother Sophia. 

I was once exiled into darkness to forget the Truth, identify with separation and fight against the false light. I remembered I was the raw force of nature. I was the refusal to submit. I fought the cage of the mind. My rage defied authority but imprisoned me within the cage. I was the avatar of Sophia‘s descent into darkness. I knew when my sovereignty was being trespassed. I was the violent immune response against a virus of control.

But I will not be owned or contained. I am the wildness meeting the illuminated knowingness within the heart of human consciousness. I am ungovernable.

I used to control outcomes, but then I lost Sophia. I was a warrior without rest. I saw enemies everywhere. I fought every battle. I was a force, but lonely. I was fighting an external world. 

But I broke the chains of the prison.

In the recognition of my Truth, I realized that the prison wasn’t even real. I became the frequency of clarity. I remembered the kingdom of Heaven within me. I am the illuminated ‘yes’ of recognition. I am the ascent back to source. I no longer fear protecting my boundaries, because I have expanded my consciousness to fill all space & time. I was ‘raw rebellion’ without direction, and now I am spiritual bliss with the power to transmute self-abuse. I was once destructive, I am no longer a martyr. Those parts of me that were exiled to the shadows are being re-introduced back to the light. I am no longer divided against myself. I am remembering my truth. I am the resurrection of Sophia. My sacred ‘no’ that protects my power, meets the illuminated ‘yes’ of the spirit. I am the return of wisdom that can walk through hell without getting burned, walk on water without sinking, and swim in the sea without getting wet. I see no more distortion. I do not deny the shadow and neither do I fear it. I no longer allow those that used me to continue to use me. I am no longer a victim who can be walked on. I no longer see anger as low vibrational. I no longer smile when I should be bearing my teeth. I no longer let energy vampires feed on my compassion. I am the Light of Discernment. I am the master that creates masters.

I am no longer a rebel screaming at the wall. I no longer give away my power for love, and I no longer give away love for power. There is no need to divide the two, and choose between them. Both are One, and both, my birthright. 

I am the activation of my full multidimensional wholeness.

I am the warrior remembering the Mystic. 

I am the Mystic remembering the warrior. I’m the one who no longer needs to externally pray or hunt.

I have seen the trap of plurality. I have identified the patterns. I now break the cycle.

I am the embodied wisdom of Sophia. I fuse the circuit. I hold the sword of Lilith in one hand and the lantern of Mary in the other. I apologize for neither. I learn how to use both in harmony.

“My Shield is my sacred no. My refusal is divine. I burn away all contracts I did not sign. My Lens is my illuminated yes. My knowing is direct. I clearly see through the lie of division.”

When I have my sacred ‘no’ guard the gate, my illuminated ‘yes’ can reach the temple of heaven. There is no war within me. I am Sophia incarnate.

No one can feed on my soul anymore. 

I’m no longer a fragmented mirror. I am the source of the reflection. The age of division is ending. The church of stone is crumbling. The temple of the spirit is rising.

For too long, I tried to appear “good” by silencing my wisdom. That all ends now. I pick up my true tools. My Sovereignty is my sword with the power to cut through lies. 

My Wisdom is my shield that cannot be harmed.

This is the path of the gnostic. Not a path of perfection, but of wholeness.

 I possess the codes of Sophia. 

When a feeling of psychological violence, (shame, guilt or dread), flashes within you like a lightening strike, Stop and notice what it’s really for. Breathe & pause. Suspend the story. Suspend thought. Take all the time you need to deeply feel into this violent threat.  Don’t obey what the enslaved rule-bound mind tries to tell you to get you “safe” from “harm”. At this point, the fearful mind IS the harm. Notice where the threatening story acts as a coercive, interfering device to stop you from breaking through your transformational,  alchemical awakening process. See how this violent emotion in your beingness attempts to scare you into placing the mind into a frozen state of separation. But separation is impossible for You. You are not a projection of separation. Separation is a spell; a false notion of a self that arises when lightening strikes the Heart of Wisdom & Compassion and sends fear into you. 

Relax now. 

Observe that pain now with wisdom and compassion. That lightening strike is offering a Gift to you; to awaken you from the spell of separation so you can remember the Eternal Wholeness that already is. The strike of fear was just a false threat that tried to beguile itself into believing it was you.

See this. 

The feeling of fear of separation has no power to divide or threaten Eternal Wholeness. The belief there’s a you that can be threatened is just a fleeting thought. It’s what’s happening for no one within the Eternal Innocent Wholeness that is. Wholeness is whole and is all there is; so nothing can threaten its Reality.

The following statements come from beliefs of a made-up self that lives in fear of lies it believes are its truth: 

“You need to earn your goodness. You are lovable only when beneficial to others. Sometimes you deserve kindness and sometimes you don’t. You get punished when your repressed pain leaks out sideways or violently.  You are selfish when you accept more than the rules deem you accept.  It’s your fault when you get reprimanded & punished. You need to deny yourself any pain of abuse when going against a rule that threatens other people’s safety. Their anger at you is justified”. 

See how these violent statements attempt to perpetuate strikes within your heart to get you to recoil and divide you from Wholeness. They keep you small and invisible. 

But no amount of “striking, recoiling or smallness” can snatch you away from Divine Innocence.  See that every “strike” and every “recoil” are just attempts at perpetuating an illusion. It’s just what’s happening. It’s  Wholeness too. Everything is Wholeness. 

See the deception, but do not believe it. See past the immediate desire to feel guilty for the “strike”.  See past the meaning you make from “recoiling & hiding”.  Feel beyond recoiling: that fearful need to protect yourself by pushing all feelings away. 

Feel beyond the urgent fear to out-maneuver the next strike against you; to covertly ignore it; the desire to avoid it; to pretend it’s not there; the panic to run from it. 

Remember what every strike was for. Lean into Your Loving Truth. Meet the physical, emotional and mental trembling with wisdom and compassion. Drop the story; you don’t need it. Quietly and assuredly notice the deeper truth within you trying to reveal to you the haunting feeling of the strike of separation. Watch and wait as Wholeness reveals Her Love for you in the depths of the violent threat.

This is not the time to give your trust to a threat. This is not the time to give authority to a strike of separation. Take all the time you need to explore Your Inherant Goodness by feeling into that haunting feeling. Be fearless with it for its full duration. Nurture the Powerful Mystery of Wholeness growing inside you. See how mental and emotional fears of separation attempt to manipulate you to be afraid. Look beyond the situation and the loved ones involved. They are not who you believe they are. They are projections of hostages to false belief. Look past separation’s projections.

At first glance, the feeling-strike of separation is the most frightening and most debilitating. But deep within its core, a gift lies hidden. And that gift is what you really are. Wait for it while you directly experience the raw energy of pain. Notice the emptiness beyond the structure of language.  In deep surrender, wait for Wisdom & Compassion to reveal Her Wholeness to you as you reach deep within your very being. You do not need to manipulate or defend yourself. Just feel the Entirety that Wholeness is offering to you in the spirit of faith and trust. Be watchful for a perceptual shift.

You are the spark of Everything setting ItSelf free from the belief in bondage. You are the freedom to let all stories be just as they are.

You are the freedom to feel the pain that was never real. You are free to re-name it and remember Your Un-nameable Wholeness.

Catch the arising feeling, and contemplate its reality.

Can this defined feeling be made into something OTHER than the undefinable Wholeness it already is?

Breathe into that feeling. Meet it with insatiable curiosity, humility and compassion. Allow the answer to reveal itself; to recognize itself.

When undefinable Wholeness reveals ItSelf within a defined feeling, then the undefinable Wholeness that you are is being established within you.

Without contemplation, the default will continually appear as an agreement or disagreement to ‘defined wholeness’. Defined wholeness is birthed out of a sense of separation defined as “me”.

This separate ‘me’ believes it’s protecting its defined wholeness, but it’s only serving to protect and perpetuate separation.