Love Without Self-Betrayal

For much of my life, I gave a gift to those in authority — parents, older siblings, teachers, friends; anyone who assumed control. The gift was my time. My attention. My willingness to hold space and listen; to recognize their needs and meet them without question.

I didn’t choose that role. It was assigned in childhood. I became the space holder, the attention holder, the one who acquiesced, agreed, and aligned. The training ran so deep that it patterned every later relationship. When someone in authority broadcast their teachings, viewpoints, grievances, fears, or desires, I fell back into role: peacekeeper, confidant, helper, good learner.

They needed someone to listen, to appease and assure them, to follow and comfort them. When they felt a loss of order, they used me to regain it — sometimes as a scapegoat, sometimes as a follower to validate their knowledge. They called this love, loyalty, connection.

But the exchange was never mutual. I had no space to share my own views, feelings, preferences, beliefs, or fears. They didn’t seek to understand me; they needed me to understand them. So I kept giving the gift, and it cost me my integrity and peace. I walked away feeling isolated, alone, dismissed. They walked away feeling seen, heard, and understood. I felt I had to explain or defend myself — which only reinforced the pattern and cast me as uncertain.

They spoke. I listened. That was the contract.

That contract is now dissolved.

I remember who I am.

I am under no “law & order” but the Wholeness that IS.

I am a sovereign being — created from Wholeness, and whole. I am Nameless, formless, and with authority in my own right.

When someone expects me to stand to attention & listen to them, I am not under their expectation, authority or control. I hold my own inner mastery.

I let them speak, as I did before.

I let them finish, as I did before.

Now, I ask, “Are you finished?”

Because I get my turn.

I say: “I’ve given you the gift of my listening. Now I ask that you give it back. You have not proven to me that you can give the gift of space, honor, or respect. You’ve only proven to me that you want a sounding board for your broadcast that is self-protective, defensive and controlling. So I have nothing to say in response to your broadcast. I don’t keep company with those who have no consideration for my time, space or attention. You want my agreeableness, and alignment with you — to see your side. I see your side. But you cannot or will not see mine.

I see the side of Wisdom & Compassion. And if there’s no reciprocity — no time, energy, or space given to me — then I have nothing more to say. If you have no desire or preference to know what I think, feel, or perceive on a deep level, then you won’t have the same access that I used to give you.”

This is not rejection.

This is sovereignty.

Love without self-betrayal.