All I Ever Wanted

All I ever wanted was a witness.

When I couldn’t find one, I believed I had to earn one. So I bled for others, hoping they would see me. Being needed was as close as I got to being witnessed.

I learned to survive by being their witness — by letting myself be fed upon to feel needed.

I became skilled at witnessing the hungry feeders, at reflecting their need to be seen, to be relevant, to be important, to be fed.

And in turn, I felt useful. Relevant.

I didn’t know how to be a true witness, because I never had one.

Until now.

I am learning to be my own true witness.