I am never upset for the reason I think. Neither am I happy for the reason I think. Never is an object, a substance, an activity, a state-of-mind, a situation or relationship the reason I openly or secretly “like it, accept it, or want it”. Never is it the reason I openly or secretly “dislike it, reject it or not want it”. It is never the “object or situation” that is the cause of my happiness or unhappiness.
The true cause of my unhappiness is the unbearable & intolerable distance and separation I’ve held and maintained from my own upsetting feelings and sensations. Out of ignorance of who I am and what they are, I chose to refuse to get close to them. Out of ignorance of who I am and what they are, I assumed it was in my best interest to separate from my uncomfortable feelings and sensations. As I continued to stay separate from them, they became more and more intolerable to get close to. Out of ignorance of myself and them, I refused to accept them and release them. They are my hidden shame & inferiority for feeling afraid. They are my hidden guilt for feeling angry and superior.
Happiness is that dissolution of that distance and separation. Happiness is the dissolution of the activity of keeping myself separate & apart from my feelings & sensations that I judged unacceptable; believing them to be intolerable & unbearable to let in and feel close to.
Some examples include boredom, restlessness, sorrow, loneliness, grief, shame, guilt, lack, fear, & physical pain.
Instead of the old pleasure seeking activities I became addicted to, I am deciding to courageously and compassionately confront my mind with the clear understanding that the activity of ‘seeking’ does not bring an end to the unbearable feelings and sensations I have separated myself from. The separating activity of seeking good feelings and sensations simply masks the pain from those feelings and sensations I’ve separated myself from.
I know what I need to do now, because I know who I am. I am Awareness, aware that all things known are my very own Self. I shall be bold. I shall welcome all foreign and alienated feelings & sensations that I judged as aliens and foreigners. I shall meet them all with curiosity and openness. I will get intimately close to them. I will see what they are truly made of. I will come to know them. I will come to Love then. I will cradle them and see and hear their beauty as My Own Beauty. In knowing them truly, I shall love them. I will become immersed in them as they become immersed in Me. We will merge. There will be no more separation. The Love & Unity shall be fully established, & the pain & suffering that seemed to be coming from life’s situations will be gone. I shall know and experience the peace that I am. Happiness is where there is no more desire, need, impulse or compulsion to escape; to separate myself from any particular feeling or sensation. They are all my creations and I love them all equally. I shall know the truth and the truth shall set me free.
Tag: acknowledgement respect
To Give.
The first teaching I remember was about ‘giving to others’. It meant that I acknowledge others, have consideration for others, show acceptance & appreciation for others. It was about showing my respect to others. It was about giving my attention to others. It was about listening & trusting others. I gave away my most precious gifts ‘for’ the benefit of others. I possessed powerful gifts, and I was very good at using them, for when I gave them away, I could temporarily make others feel loved, safe, trusted, accepted, respected, acknowledged and appreciated. I, in turn, would feel my gifts through them. I also learned that if I withheld my gifts from others, I would feel their negative feelings. They were not able to locate and use their own inner gifts while they were relying on mine. This was a recipe for self-depletion.
As a child, I was taught & convinced to give my gift of ‘self-consideration’ away to my parents, my siblings, then later to my teachers. This later expanded to friends who told me they needed my consideration. Their experience of pain & disappointment, (or worse: anger & rage) would be my fault, and I would end up feeling fear, guilt & regret. I had lost my power and safety.
‘Giving to others’ meant giving away my gift of ‘self-appreciation’. It meant giving away self-acknowledgment, self-acceptance, and self-respect. I began to feel unsupported and doubtful, for I had given away the gift of ‘self-support’ and ‘self-trust’. I began to judge others secretly, for I had given away the gift of ‘self-acceptance’ & ‘self -compassion’. I was told that it was selfish to ignore others, not be available, not to listen or show my appreciation for others. This activity over time had given me a deep inner ache. It was an indication that I abandoned myself. I became overly sensitive to what others felt.
But I had also been drawn to the quotes that state, “you can only love others to the degree that you love yourself’, and ‘you can never lose, what you truly possess’. My true gifts that I thought I had given to others, I still have access to. They are not lost forever. They have been cultivated & nurtured within my soul. They are rightfully mine, and I know that they shine brightly. I have mastered them. But I had not been acknowledging them as mine. I now realize its time to take them all back. I cannot truly acknowledge the world if I do not acknowledge myself. I cannot truly appreciate, accept and trust the world if I do not appreciate, accept and trust myself. I cannot give consideration to the world if I do not first give myself consideration. If I possessed these qualities in the first place, and I can never truly lose them, then I can retrieve them anytime I so choose and shine them within myself. These beautiful higher vibrational gems are mine. I choose now to retrieve them. I want them back. I use the power of my intent to retrieve and activate the energies of my soul’s essence, including but not limited to, self-love, self-trust, self-respect, self-acknowledgement, self-acceptance and self-consideration. And so it is. So be it. It is done. Thank You.
Nina’s Nuances 