As I reflect on my journey, I realize how deeply I misunderstood love and misjudged my suffering. From an unconscious place rooted in trauma, I poured my heart and soul into serving others, by over-giving and over-accommodating. I was unaware during this time, but I believed vigilant “helping”behaviour would ensure I receive the love and care I craved. I became a high-functioning people-pleaser, while in blind denial of my own pain, masking my true needs & desires behind a facade of control and competence. I was overmanaging every detail, every relationship, every conversation, trying to anticipate and meet the needs of others while neglecting my own.

But the weight of that endeavor crushed me. It was unsustainable from the start, destined to fail. I felt drained, invisible, & shamefully lost. The pain from giving my power away left me feeling broken and confused. There was also resentment which perpetuated my guilt & shame. I couldn’t admit the deprivation I felt. I believed I could handle it myself, by myself.

But in the silence, I began to whisper to myself, “What am I doing? Why am I living like this?” And slowly, the truth began to unfurl. I saw that my actions weren’t born of love, but of a deep-seated need to be loved. I was repeating patterns of trauma, rather than experiencing the love and connection I yearned for.

As I acknowledge this now, I recognize and feel a sense of compassion and understanding wash over me. I’m learning to untangle the abusive patterns I was blind to before, to nurture the peace of my own heart, and to cultivate honesty that nourishes my soul. I’m finding my way, slowly, into a more authentic, more loving version of myself.

When abuse arises, acknowledge it & notice the coping mechanism the mind will choose in that moment. 

If the fear is too great, it will suppress “fight” by freezing, and then inform the body to “fawn” instead. 

The lesson:

Stop. 

Notice the fight response tendency. This is natural when the dominating energy is testing to see how you will respond. See that acting upon the fight response will only attract to you stay in divisive situations.

The need to fight (or defend) is a red flag that the interaction is abusive not loving. See this.

The abusive person is not safe to converse with. They will win, you will lose; meaning their only agenda is to get their way & get you to feel guilty or ashamed for having a need to protect yourself. They want you to believe & do what they want you to. They are entirely self-focused. There’s no empathy there.

In the end, you’ll feel unseen, unheard & misunderstood.  You’ll feel dismissed, disrespected, insecure, and ultimately abandoned and unloved. There will be shame for feeling these things. You’ll feel broken and will feel the need to hide pieces of yourself around them. This is not a caring or loving connection. Stay away from abusive energy. It is life-draining. 

This is not a time to hang on to their words and pretend in a fantasy of love. This is not a time to freeze your feelings and fawn over the abusive person to “save” the relationship; letting them have their way with you.

Stop. 

Notice the freeze/fawn tendency. Don’t judge it. Don’t judge yourself.

Slow down. Relax. Bring awareness to the freeze. Then notice the guilt arise to “fawn.” Breathe. Say nothing while noticing at the same time your reactive desire to fight or fawn. 

Do not fight. Do not fawn. Notice the compulsion to do it. Notice the others’ resistant or expectant behaviour on display, Honour the situation for what it is, and do the inner work.

Meet that fight-freeze-fawn compulsion with your divine compassion & understanding in your own body. Do not allow the mind to push the body into suppressing the fight response & jumping into the fawn response. The mind will justify it as “fixing relationship disunity”, but any kind of “fixing” is not unity at all. It’s denying the reality of an existing abusive interaction but calling it love. Love never hurts.

No need to “fight, freeze or fawn” anytime, anywhere. Flee, if anything, to protect your peace. Otherwise, just meet the resistance, the fear, the threat. Let it be there, & go & share only with a safe person; one who’ll be able empathize & hear you.

Notice the red flag to not engage in fighting/freezing/fawning behaviour.

Breathe. Create space from your frantic mind, and protect your peace. It’s your only job in that moment. The mind will jump to conclusions that there’s a real threat and needs the body to “fight for self”, or “fawn for the relationship”; but drop that false narrative. It’s actually a distraction  to the inner  “self-love” presence that lives within You and is You.

“Being social”, “fitting in, and “blending in with the group” was never my true path, but I unconsciously made it my path most of my life because that’s the message I received growing up.
My true nature is most happy when I can attune to my own energy and in order to do that most effectively, I need a lot of alone time.
I never did need validation or acceptance from others, but the conditioning had me believe the complete opposite. “Think of others” they said. I ended up a chronic people pleaser. Today, I’m clear, and attuning to my Self, my Energy, and This Safety is healing my central nervous system.
Getting my emotional needs met are found within me now. I no longer out-source them. And that’s the most freeing thing I’ve discovered on my healing journey. And I don’t care what anyone says anymore about how humans need others to get their emotional needs met. Right now, I’m happy. And I’m standing on my own; alone. Feels like I’m truly living “off-the-grid”.

Should sensual pleasures, fame, riches, & vainglory come your way, be not be swept away by such superficial enchantments & black magic.

Should threat, coercion, deception, persuasion, gaslighting & abasement come upon thee, hold absolutely no reality for them. Neglect not your God-given sanity for toxic insanity. All guilt-induced false narratives (devoid & empty of worthiness) shall pass away and be no more.”

Bahá’u’lláh

The Hidden Words – Arabic (p.52)

After having been hurt by attachments, I came to believe that detachment was the goal. Eventually accomplishing that goal; which brought its own type of pain and suffering, finally admitting that detachment was a box I took pride in living in, as it was safe.
But there came a time, recognizing that detachment was a mistake too, as it never delivered on the promise of love. It was never the answer to enjoying this life, for all it brought was a sense of regret, emptiness and longing.
Realization came to deliver the news that all I ever wanted was to return to the time before the first break from the first attachment of love.

That time was the timeless I am.

It was MySelf. I was there. Love was there. Acceptance was there. Fear was non-existent.

I want to have that real love-attachment again, but without the constant debilitating fear that attachments do demand of me; that ever-looming belief that I must live up to so-called desires, needs, expectations and demands: a deception & betrayal of blame, shame, & disrespect in exchange for my loyal, loving attention.
I now find myself lost in a realm between the unmanifested love attachment and a detachment style of relating that I have come to trust.

I am valuable. Access to me; my thoughts, my emotions, my time and attention is not something everyone deserves.

My job is not to teach people how they should behave in my presence.

My job is not to inform people how they need to change or that they need therapy or healing.

My job is to calmly protect my peace & quietly remove myself from that person, whose only function is to undermine, disrespect & betray my truth; in hopes that I may compromise and sacrifice my truth for their comfort.

I can move on without closure.

I can move on with self-respect.

When man is asleep, it should not be for pleasure, but to rest the body in order that he may rise & act impeccably on behalf of truth, to speak on behalf of truth, and to explain the truth more beautifully; to serve the Truth of God, and to gain true mastery as the voice of Truth.

When man is awake, he should seek to be attentive, to serve the truth and sacrifice his false beliefs of separation for the Unity of the Beloved of God. When he attains to this station, the confirmations of the Holy Spirit will surely reach him, and man, awake as the voice of unity, can withstand all temptations of the voice of separation.

On behalf of truth, I am here to master the dream of separation. I here to experience the lies of self; the unrelenting fire of separation; and yet remain untouched & undisturbed by its seductive persuasions & formidable lies.

In truth, the firey lie of separation has no reality; has no power.

This recognition is the means by which the lie of Reality is overcome.

“Be in the lie of separation, but not OF it.”
Truth is the only Reality and the only right use of power.

Lies are nothing but empty temptations & challenges dreamt as real. They bring suffering. More lies.
Verily, the fire of separation is nothing other than distorted Truth believed as enemy.

Recognizing the fire of separation for the lie it is, is to remember that Truth is all there is.

I AM is the living Voice of Truth, and lies are but the voice of the dead. Lies have no real voice at all.

The fire of separation is not real separation. It is but the Voice of Truth ItSelf disguised by the ignorance of Truth, which are lies not recognized as lies.
To ignore Truth is to place truth in the lie of separation.
But Truth remains the truth and doesn’t change or disappear when truth is placed into an illusion because illusions are illusions. They are nothing true.

In Truth; and I speak the truth; there is nothing other than truth.
The Voice of Truth speaks truly.

Separation is a lie.

Truth is true. I speak on behalf of truth. I am the Living. I am the Life. I am the Voice of Truth.

“The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt turn toward the unifying Breath of the Friend, and turn away from the divisive voice of the stranger; and shalt worship only the Presence of the Pause, and not defensive reactions. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily breathing in justice is My gift to thee and the sign of true kindness. Set it then before thine eyes that ye may SEE, BE & KNOW the unity of Wellbeing.”

Bahá’u’lláh

The Hidden Words – Arabic (p.2)

The truth of what I want and the truth of what I am is merging. 

This merger is what I want. 

I am the Voice of Truth and I am aware, in every holy instant, that I was created (and creating) to know and worship the Truth, and not be conflict or live in conflict with “believed” truths or “believed” lies. Both are fiction! 

“Believed-in” truths (and believed in lies) manipulate my voice in order to stay confused in lies of what I am, distracting and steering my attention away from discovering the Clarity of The Truth that I am. 

The false program of lies is the voice of lies, desiring & needing my voice to lie too, & to perpetuate more lies. It’s the world that is familiar, but it’s not bringing the fulfillment of peace and love that only the Truth can bring to my voice. 

I want my Voice to be the Voice of Truth. And it is! This is the Voice of Truth speaking right now. 

Truth is now known as the one & Only Beloved Truth, through the Voice of Truth.

Truth calls to the voice of lies, (ignorant & enslaved), but it’s up to that voice, alone, to remember the Truth for ItSelf.

For the voice that has eyes to SEE the Truth, It SEES. For the voice that has the ears to HEAR the Truth, It HEARS. 

The Voice of Truth calls to the voice of lies, and because no other voice can save it, it must remember its Voice of Truth, and save ItSelf from “belief”. 

 The Voice of Truth joins with Truth that it may fully recognize that nothing other than Truth is true; even in the midst of the conflict of feelings.

Included in the seeming conflict of an enslaved voice, believing in the untruth of “believed truth and believed lies”, is the conflictual feelings of defence & attack. Its world is perpetual conflict. 

Attack war, defend peace,

Attack fear, defend love; 

Chase love, run from fear. 

Fear lack-loss-sickness;

Love abundance-gain-health;

Attack regret, hate, worry;

Defend regret, hate worry;

Defend ‘believed’ truths; 

Attack ‘believed’ lies. 

It’s a perpetual war to the voice  that doesn’t know what the Truth of Truth is. The voice that doesn’t know that it doesn’t know it’s a slave to lies, doesn’t know that Truth is REAL, and lies/beliefs are unreal.

The voice of lies doesn’t know all beliefs are lies and are untrue. It doesn’t know that Truth is all there is and its voice IS the Voice of Truth in hiding. 

Whether the voice remembers the Truth or not, Truth is always with the Voice of Truth. So, know the Truth, know that Truth is what you are, and the Voice of Truth will be your Voice. 

The Voice of Truth is always a Happy, Peaceful, Loving, Respectful Voice, (even during tempting conflictual feelings), because it knows and worships Its own Truth. A Perfect match made in Heaven.