LEAVING BEHIND CONTROL STRATEGIES

The sole purpose of the ‘ego’ is CONTROL. It wants to return a ‘hurt’ for a perceived hurt, and get things back to the way they were.  It is to cling to, hold on to and try and salvage a relationship that has been damaged or destroyed.  It is done by pretending to forgive the perceived injustice too soon after the trust has been broken.

How is pretending done?  A hurt is perceived & experienced, someone’s triggered pain is felt, and then the strategy of ‘blame-switching’ occurs to deny the ownership of that pain. It may look like punishing another & demanding respect. It may look like burning property in reaction to being upset. This destructive strategy of blaming another is used as a form of control.  It is a form of denial to minimize, rationalize, justify or spiritualize away and deflect responsibility of blame. Instead of standing in one’s own truth, a control strategy is used on the other. When feelings are ignored or rejected, minimized or rationalized away, or when a wrong has been justified or spiritualized, these are signs that the strategy of denial is attempting to lure you into placing trust into an untrustworthy situation. A perceived hurt gets returned with more hurt. Now you’re trapped in your own guilt caused by your own wrongdoing.  There is a ‘promise’ of justice that you’ll be absolved of your wrongdoing, but it is really only a tricky form of deception to continue being deceived in falsehood. If one begins to take personal responsibility and STOP TRYING TO COVER UP ONE’S GUILT with more wrongdoing, then one will see that one’s value can not be found in relationship with another.

Let’s look at a scenario. The control strategies (minimizing, rationalizing, justifying, blame-shifting, spiritualizing, avoiding) attempt to hide John’s past sin & present guilt by justifying and rationalizing his repeated ‘wrong-doing’ by blame-shifting it on to Susan. He hurts her, but does not acknowledge it because of his belief that he is right. He stays in denial due to his minimizing, rationalizing, justifying and blame-shifting.   His denial sends the message that the reason he did wrong initially was Susan’s ‘fault’; that he was angry and she deserved it.  John appoints himself as redeemer, and absolves himself of his guilt.  But not really. Not in reality.  It’s an illusion of absolution. The only One who grants absolution is God. There will still be no trust, love, respect and safety in the relationship. There really IS no relationship anymore, but neither want to ‘see’ that.  John’s deceptive tactic attempts to convince Susan that she is at fault for the wrongdoing; the injustice.  She now feels ‘false guilt’ (John’s guilt) and takes it upon herself to ‘right the wrong’ and get the trust back.  This is not her job, but as long as she feels ‘guilty’ of her own hidden guilt, she will take on John’s guilt & blame and try to get trust back.  If Susan falls for the control strategy, and continues to give her TRUST away for the sake of the relationship, she will predictably react to his future control strategies with more control strategies of her own: false sympathy, pity, false loyalty, fearful concern, justified worry, obligated agreement, compliance, fearful obedience, suspicion, irritability, frustration, stubbornness, resentment, arguments, retaliation, or revenge, (at worst).  The good and bad emotional supply coming from Susan will train John that she will always take the blame for his wrongdoing, give him her TRUST, and stay in the relationship.  She will remain guilty, angry and resentful on the inside, showing both compliance and argumentativeness on the outside. John may also do the same for Susan.  It becomes a merry-go-round. The deception and secrecy continues. Both are afraid of taking responsibility of their own wrongs, their own remorse, their own guilt.  They will never admit to themselves or each other that they have no rights justifying doing wrong to the other.(contrition) They are afraid of confessing to themselves & God that they are hosts to ‘lies’. The strategies are an attempt to continue denying the truth, temporarily easing their own guilt & sorrow, and giving both a sense of well-being for a ‘hopeful’ future.  They are fooling themselves.  They are only heading to increased suffering. This relationship will only ‘appear’ to be in place with their bodies living together, but it’s only a matter of time that one of them will get to their threshold of pain, and wake up out of denial, and face the truth of the broken trust, and leave the broken relationship. The unhealthy relationship will end.

When one stops feeding the relationship with control strategies, the relationship will lose its negative energy, its appeal will be lost, and it will come apart. Letting go of ‘control strategies’ triggers one’s own hidden pain to come to the surface and that person’s healing journey will come into awareness.  If Susan does not have the courage to take responsibility for her own sorrow & remorse, her own admittance of wrongs, letting go of her perceived rights to do wrong, then she will go into an emotional hibernation, piggy-backing off the company of others who will only give her a false sense of trust, respect and safety. She must stay in someone’s company, commiserate with them, to get love & attention for herself. The belief that she is flawed, blamable, defective, disgraceful, no-good, undeserving, shameful, unfit, vile, wretched, broken, unworthy, unlovable, & valueless human being will be upheld by a lie.  But lies are not true, never were true, and will never be true. She is Innocent but doesn’t know it. If on the other hand, Susan does has the courage to get into a recovery program, take responsibility for her own character defects, release all unhealthy control strategies, her own wrongs, confess her wrongs & recover from the lies of her unworthiness, she will find true relief and serenity.

Then, any future control strategies that come to her from others, Susan will be able to spot right away.  They will have no more power over her. She will not return control with control. She will not return anger with anger.  She will not return resentment with resentment or retaliate the wrongs done to her with more wrongdoing.  Over time, Susan will not have the attraction for unhealthy relationships & she will find herself responding only with love, trust, respect and care. It takes great desire for Truth, and that can only be found in developing trust and faith in a relationship with one’s own Higher Power. Always stay true to that.  God be with you on your journey.

My higher power is my Recognition, Acknowledgement, & Acceptance. When I am open to recognizing my truth, acknowledging my truth, & accepting my truth, I experience His Loving Presence.

My higher power is my Spiritual Support. When I am open to giving & receiving of my true feelings & desires, I experience His Uplifting Presence.

My higher power is my Loyalty & Reassurance. When I am open to setting & maintaining true boundaries for myself, I experience His Loyal & Reassuring Presence.

My higher power is my Connection.  When I am open to connecting with my truth, (honoring, trusting, respecting, & caring for all parts of me), I experience His Connective Presence.

My Higher Power is my Safety & Trust. When I am open to surrounding myself with the truth of people, places & spaces, I experience His Safe & Trusting Presence.

Do you sense that things do not always go as you would like them to, or that people do not lovingly behave the way they ‘should’ or you would ‘expect’ or ‘want’ them to? Do you react negatively? Do you hold a grudge against anyone? Do you think you are in charge of the behavior of others? Do you ever ‘give’ others your suggestions to get your knowledge of things across to them? Do you subtly impose your perceptions upon them? Do you believe that others are to blame for your mood, attitude & behavior? Do you feel pride in justifying your anger and then experience guilt afterwards? If yes, do you want to change? Is it time that you would like to muster up some courage and decide to forgive your perception of things? If you see any kind of negativity in the world, it means that this is the same level from which you are perceiving reality. If you see dis-respect in others, it means you are coming from a perception of Anger & Pride. ‘You’ are the one still caught up in the grips of negative energy patterns, and it is up to ‘You’ to want to change those patterns in order to change your perception of the world. These negative patterns include Shame, Guilt, Grief, Apathy, Fear, Anger & Pride. It’s truly no sin if you find yourself caught up in any ‘one’ of these negative patterns, say, Anger, but it IS self-tormenting you if you decide to blame the world for that energy pattern. You have been unconsciously binding yourself in Anger when you condemn others for the Anger you find yourself in. It is the unconscious denial of the negative energy level you are in that is the cause of your suffering, NOT the actions of others, events or circumstances of the world. Knowing that it is the negative energy level of ‘ANGER’ that you are living in that is the cause of your continual suffering, (& not the world) helps to support the understanding & forgiveness required to release the victim mentality and claim yourself as the empowered Chooser of Perception. Always being in “opposition to negativity” or feeling oppositional to another person’s “opposition to negativity” is evidence that you have not yet fully acknowledged negativity or accepted it within yourself. That’s OK. Just notice your compelling need to resist anything negative. Coming face to face with life that seems to trigger shame, guilt, fear, anger or pride does not have to mean that you tighten your mask & fight the perceived threat. All it means is that you have been given an opportunity to compassionately accept the state within yourself, & admit you are powerless to control it. Forgive the negative energy patterns you’re experiencing and the filters of perception they hold you to. Holding an attitude or ‘position’ of defense is entirely the reason why life continues to deal you the cards that you perceive justifies the need to repeatedly take such a ‘position’. Gently let go of your need to take any position, for any reason, and be willing to accept any negativity that is arising, whether it’s in yourself or others. Negativity is not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, and it’s certainly not to be controlled, denied or blamed on anyone or anything. It’s only to be accepted for what it is; a negative energy pattern YOU are moving through. One day, you will wake up and experience a deep sense of Loving Acceptance for all life just the way it is; an abiding sense of calm, comfort, ease, flow and an ‘all rightness’ with life.

If you continually feel compelled to shun responsibility for your behavior and hold a “positional attitude”, (good or bad), then that is your current destiny. You have simply not earned your right to desire peace & unity wholeheartedly. While you are living in this state of ignorance, life will continue to offer you opportunities to change your mind, but if you do not find yourself wanting to change your mind, it means you are not ready to desire peace & unity wholeheartedly & you shall continue to perceive both good things and bad things to which you can blame or give credit to, keeping you convinced that your attitude is at the mercy of others.  You will perpetuate a “positional” attitude. This is bondage.  If a day comes when you ‘want’ to change your mind, then you are ready to begin a new journey.  You have been granted the ‘desire’ to change your mind.  This is a Gift, and it is your newfound destiny to move forward.  This is your escape from bondage.  You will want to take responsibility for your compulsion to judge anything good or bad. You will gain an understanding that your attitude is not at the mercy of circumstances and you will find yourself releasing the need to hold a “positional attitude” for anything. You will come to accept that all your positive & negative perceptions have no more purpose. Life will balance out, and feel more pleasant. Your desire and demonstration to hold a non-positional attitude concerning ‘people & things’ will bring to you more serenity & peace, and a unified perception of all things. Now you will be ready to teach Peace to others.

Rights & Responsibilities On How To Be A Grown-Up.

I am not responsible for meeting your inherent needs.
I will not rescue you, enable you, advise you, correct you, change you, or guilt you, etc.
You are responsible for meeting your own inherent needs for love, appreciation, empowerment, attention, trust, honesty, respect, safety, security, connection & support.
This is your key to happiness.
It is your duty, right, & privilege to be inspired how you might meet them for yourself, & the pace at which you will go.
I can inspire & encourage you by holding safe space & asking you how you could anchor your desires & what they might look like in the world. You are under no pressure to please me.
If I am unable to inspire or help you, it is your right & responsibility to find someone who can. It is also your choice to do nothing. It is none of my business.
You are always free to change your mind. I am always free to do the same.

You are not responsible for meeting my inherent needs.
I will overlook your attempts at rescuing, enabling, advising, correcting, changing or placing guilt me etc.
I am responsible for meeting my own inherent needs for love, acceptance, appreciation, attention, trust, empowerment, honesty, respect, safety, security, connection & support.
This is my key to happiness.
It is my duty, right, & privilege to be inspired how I might meet them for myself & at the pace at which I will go.
You can inspire & empower me by holding safe space & asking me how I might anchor my desires & what they might look like in the world. I am under no pressure to please you.
If you are unable to inspire or help me, it is my right & responsibility to find someone who can. It is also my choice to do nothing. It is none of your business.
I am always free to change my mind. You are always free to do the same.
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You choose your energy & behavior. It doesn’t depend on me.
I choose my energy & behavior. It doesn’t depend on you.
The choice is ours when & how to get ourselves inspired, embrace life, follow our true desires & get our own needs met.
Being a grown-up means experiencing true peace, freedom, balance, grace, ease, joy, playfulness, fulfillment & wisdom.
We encourage each other and love one another. No one is left behind.

Source: My Happiness is My Responsibility

Fairy Tale Short Story by Nina Krebbers

Once upon a time there lived a camel named Clyde. He was a camel full of wonder and joy, encouraged to be curious in his camel family. One day, a long trip began, and the entire family was expected to follow the group accordingly. They were promised that there was a place of abundant water, & a better life for the entire camel family. But after many days of walking, Clyde became without purpose in following his parents. He wanted to explore in his own way, but his parents kept reminding him to stay close and behave, and that they knew better. Clyde listened to them, but he then lost confidence in himself in expressing what he wanted. His voice fell on deaf ears. He began to believe his desires were unimportant. He felt he no longer mattered to his family. He believed he was dumb and naïve to want anything. Just then, Clyde heard alluring voices coming from inside the darkness of a nearby cave. “Won’t you come in? We could play together & be friends.” No one else heard the voices. Clyde felt a pull to go into the cave. He believed that whoever it was, they could make him feel important again. He deliberately crouched away, out of fear of being seen, and entered the cave. Instantly, the opening to the cave disappeared. Clyde fell under a spell, and lost his memory of being a ‘bad’ camel. He noticed snakes all around him, giving him lots of attention. Soon Clyde believed he was a snake, slithering and hissing as the other snakes did. He thought he belonged here. He was getting the affection and attention that he desired. It wasn’t too long after that Clyde felt something was wrong. He felt bad for not wanting to agree and feel the same as the others. They criticized him and insulted him when he did not act like them. They even resorted to calling him names to control him. They insisted that he be grateful with the family he had in them. No longer feeling important, feeling alone and afraid, he hid himself away for many nights.
Out of a moment of awareness, he realized he had nothing left to lose by wanting to leave the cave and upsetting the others. Nothing here held any meaning that it once did. He confided in his friend Sammy, and asked him for help. “That is a very dangerous thought”, Sammy stated. “No other snake has ever left here, and came back to tell about it. The snake family will not agree with your request.” Clyde stated, “I don’t care, I can’t go on like this anymore. I am willing and ready to take that chance, and be seen.”
Clyde did something different. He came out of hiding, and declared out to all the snakes, “I was scared to be myself. I am now announcing that I want to live my life in my own way, without apology, and without shame. I am willing to expose myself and be seen by all of you as ‘bad’ & ‘selfish’. I am here to tell you that I want to leave this place, even though you have warned me that it’s a stupid and naive idea. I no longer join in your rules and beliefs, for I no longer need your approval or permission to want my own happiness.” Clyde was scared, but he also began to feel an inner assurance rise up within him. He truly believed he deserved to be happy. “I am responsible for my own feelings and deserve to make my own decisions. From this moment on, I shall believe in myself, and trust in what lies beyond this confined place. If you do not understand, that is ok, I will accept that; but if there is anyone here who is willing to join me in finding a way out, please say so now.” All the snakes hissed and backed away, condemning him out of fear. Sammy called out. “Clyde, I am not afraid; I would very much like to join you.”
In that moment of clarity, the cave’s spell was broken. Clyde and Sammy, in their power & confidence, found themselves standing outside the mouth of the cave. They remembered who they really were, both camels again, filled with wonder and joy. They set themselves free; happy with what they both accomplished in joining together and following their hearts.
Clyde no longer felt unimportant, invisible or dumb, for he experienced his own courage, power and strength. He experienced self-love in noticing and standing up for himself from a place of love, and modelling that to others. He re-connected with his camel parents. Clyde shared in their trust of fulfilling their own dreams of unlimited happiness and abundance for everyone. Clyde and Sammy were both excited to share in having found their purpose again. That very day, the camel family found themselves at their destination, with all the water they could drink. They all rejoiced and lived happily ever after.