Beliefs about self can be very destructive and debilitating. One I’ve uncovered is the belief that the gifts of Kindness, Love and Happiness are rewarded to me by others through managing my own behaviour to appear kind, loving and happy. This belief is a form of self-deception and self-betrayal. It leads to secrecy, isolation, sorrow and suffering. But Love & Happiness are not found through manipulating or managing my behaviour for others. If that were the case, Love would no longer be Love; it would be a bartering tool. Love is not that. I used to pride myself on making others happy, but soon, I was unhappy, and I hit a wall and became depressed.
Keeping up a kind, loving and happy appearance when I didn’t feel kind, loving or happy only depressed me further. But being depressed keeps people away, well, the ones I tried to please. I learned from a small age that Love came from outside me as a reward for good behaviour. That meant, if my behaviour wasn’t good enough for someone else, or I didn’t meet their needs, I was punished with their disappointment, hurt and anger. Love became this elusive thing. I’m learning to no longer believe this belief about Love. Love is not a temporary fearful strategy. Love is kind and loving. Happiness comes to the one who knows that Happiness is not based on forms of love, but on how kind and loving one is being to one’s own being.
Nina’s Nuances 