To allow ‘desire’ to seek objective experience is to perpetuate pain and suffering. I am looking for something to relieve my feeling of desire. It’s a painful experience. The energy of desire is desperate in its search to be met with love & understanding. It believes there is yet another ‘person, place, or thing’ to meet it, in order for ‘it’ to achieve happiness & contentment. When I try to stop it, I see that it gets more and more intense, threatening me with words of pain and suffering if I disagree. But disagreeing or agreeing with desire is a dead end. It says I must submit & agree to becoming its partner in finding what it is looking for, AND, it is I that must help ‘it’ look for it. I am tired. I still see it desiring, and so, I go back being it’s slave once again. I really believe that there is actually something I am missing in this world, and I feel shame because I haven’t yet found it. I begin to compare myself with others. I begin to use deception or seduction with others pretending I am happy, and can make ‘them’ happy; but deep down knowing I don’t really have my heart in participating in these activities with them. I am trying to solve a problem for ‘desire’. A problem to solve. But the real problem is self-deception. I see that what I want is something objective to be excited about, but I eventually realize its a dead end. Nothing that is chased in this world makes desire go away forever. I merged with a belief of myself, seeing there was a problem in the desiring; then took it upon myself to get rid of it. But, if I use desire to get rid of desire, I use my power destructively and I suffer.
I’m shocked that this has been going on for so long. I’m aware that I became a partner in crime with desire, going out into the world to find the object of desire, (thinking it was my desire) in order to end the suffering. But the very existence of desire, not knowing its true origin, IS the suffering. I, not knowing what I am, become the one reaching outward, seeking outward, looking outward, searching outward, wandering outward, analyzing, figuring, manipulating, validating, getting…..this is the activity of desire run wild. So, not knowing who I am, or what my function is, go out and find what it is I’m looking for.
Other people tell me, and I eventually tell myself, that maybe what I’m looking for will be in exercise, moving the body, getting busy, volunteering, working at a service job, looking for adventure, working, playing, looking to buy something, sell something, improving myself, looking for conversation, looking to be alone, searching for yet another truth in a teaching or a book, attending spiritual meetings, travelling, going on retreats, dates, looking for attention from a man or friend that I can once-and-for-all connect with on a deeper level, and finally stop the suffering that haunts me: something I want, but do not have. I notice ‘desire’ forcing me to go and get it. But I know that to find something out there is not going to end desire at all, and if it does, it won’t last for long; I will eventually feel disappointment, my heart will break again, and the seeking will come back. Nothing I do, will bring desire to its final end. Attending to promises of happiness & fulfillment will not end the suffering. There are no objects of desire that will bring desire to its final end. And I render myself to yet another surrendering of this. It is desire itself that is the ‘trigger’ that gets my attention.
Desire itself does not know what it wants. It wants me to join with it, be its host, to go out and fulfill its never-ending ache. And so I do that, over and over again, believing that I am going to bring desire to an end. But now, after so many years, I know that outward seeking in order to end desire is pure insanity. It’s not the answer I seek. So, I decided to use desire for the spiritual path. I sought the truth in books, in workshops, retreats, YouTube videos. I still believed the truth was ‘out there’. I joined with spiritual communities to be happy with them. I pretended I was ‘desire-less’ and ‘serving’. I fought desire. I fought resistance. I tried to repress it, suppress it, but, in the end, it only increased my suffering. I ran for refuge in meditating and praying.
I concluded, desire can not be eradicated through being a spiritual person. Desire comes back. It’s feverish, and relentless, and it will not give its host any lasting relief. Looking outward to love, sex, marriage, children, pets, money, food, drink, drugs, gambling, investing, marketing, story-telling, adventures, travel, spiritual endeavors, thrill-seeking activities, is not truly the direction I want to go. So, after some searching as to what I could do with this desire, I began to write about it.
In the past, I catered to ‘desire’, trying to please it in others, so I could have it disappear in me. My one and only purpose for this desire thing, was to have it stop pestering me. I thought if I could meet other people’s desires, I could meet my desire, and we’d all be happy. But desire does not really live in others, it lives in me, and until it’s come to a final end in me, there can be no true lasting happiness. I am unhappy, because I forgot who I truly am, and I didn’t know what the heck to do with desire. But the noise never left for long being controlled by it or trying to control it. It’s like a small child having a temper tantrum. That, if it becomes vociferous and noisy, somebody will come to fill its bottomless-pit needs. No. This must stop. Desire will never ever ever, ever, ever stop by trying to meet ‘it’. It must come and meet ME.
I am no longer at desire’s beck & call. I am staying HOME now. This is called the Direct Path. I am the Origin, the Path, and the Goal. With the Direct Path, I’ve come to see there is another way to see. It’s to inform desire, that ‘we’ve’ been looking in the wrong direction. We must turn around, and go back to where we came from. Only, I will stand as Awareness Itself, and I will be the open, empty knowing Space to welcome desire’s experience of suffering Home. I will invite the very thing I was trying to get rid of, (desire) and I will ‘love’ it, and allow it to grow in brightness & intensity. I will be the open, welcoming space of Awareness to invite the suffering of desire to merge and dissolve into ME. I am no longer going anywhere. I am no longer going with anyone. I want to know what desire is truly made of. I want to know what desire truly feels like if I allow it up close and become truly intimate with it, without trying to alter or change it in any way. This is the Truth. Now that I have a clear understanding on what is really going on, I can have desire come to Me. I can be truly helpful to desire, and remember I am the One Awareness being aware of being aware. It’s a win-win situation.
I must take My Rightful Place with a direct, firm, but loving hand, and invite ‘desire’ from looking ‘outward’ (to people, places, things, events, concepts, etc) to looking ‘inward’ to Me, Pure Awareness. “I have a new purpose for you, desire”. You will no longer be my boss. I detach Myself from your misguided suggestions, promptings, persuasions, directions, orders, criticisms, suspicions, sarcasms, threats, ultimatums, dictates, viciousness. I quit catering over and over, trying to give you what you think you want. You are an ignorant, innocent child who hasn’t a clue what you want. But, I, Pure Awareness, love you, so I will not abandon you; neither will I continue to join in those insane destructive strategies of yours. I am in charge now. I am taking MY Rightful Stand as Pure Awareness. You can settle down and return to Me. I need you now, to play the biggest part you’ve ever played. Its the perfect job for you. To go where ‘you’ are going, I need you to get super strong, and super intense. I want you to grow and grow and grow. This is your only function. I will meet you intimately and directly from My Still Placeless Place. I want you to shine your brightest. If it feels like pain, so be it. I am the Container that contains all. It’s going to be amazing. You are going to come to Me; I will not be chasing you around. Out of all the things I needed desperately in this world, but failed to get right, was knowing what My job was with ‘desire’. I allowed desire to string Me around. Its time to reel desire in, in, in, into Myself now, knowing that I am Home. I am the Still, Silent Infinite Space of Awareness inviting and allowing the energy of desire to merge and dissolve into Me. I am the Peace & Happiness in which desire had been desiring all along. AMEN.
Nina’s Nuances 