To blindly follow desire in its “outward” search, is the path to perpetuate pain and suffering.
This is the Truth.
I am looking for something to relieve my suffering; or should I say, energy of desire. The energy of desire is ongoing, and perpetual, and it’s function is to grow and grow. It can not give up its need to desire. It mistakenly looks outward, to a ‘person, place, or thing’ in order to end it’s desire, and achieve success, love, peace & fulfillment.
If I try to stop desire, I see that it gets more and more intense, threatening me with words of pain and suffering. If I follow desire, it may bring glimmerings of joy and excitement, declaring promised outcomes, but this too eventually ends in disappointment, frustration, anger, rage. If desire is lacking in one situation, and I try to force desire to a different direction, it ends up in grief and sorrow. They are all dead-ends eventually. But, it doesn’t end. Desire tells me that I must submit & agree to becoming its partner in finding what it is looking for, AND, it is I that must help ‘it’ look for it. I am tired. I don’t know what else to look for in order to appease it for long. I still see it desiring, and so, I go back to the drawing board once again. I look for clues, for signs…waiting for desire to tell me what to do. I don’t know who I am, and so I believe my job to get something or to arrive somewhere in the world is real. I believe that something is missing within me. I feel shame because I haven’t yet found it. I begin to compare myself with others. I begin to use deception with others pretending to be happy and fulfilled, but knowing I have no real lasting commitment in the activities of the world. I am trying to solve a problem on behalf of this thing called ‘desire’. A problem to solve.
I come back to awareness, get honest, and I see that I got tangled up in desire, looking for a world nugget to be excited about, but I came up empty. Getting something or someone in this world only makes desire go away temporarily.
Believing I saw that there was a problem in the desiring; I took it upon myself to solve it. It seemed that there was a problem that I must figure out either with myself or with others. If I control ‘desire’ in order to get rid of desire, I use my power destructively and I suffer. If I allow ‘desire’ to control me to get what it wants, (so desire will end), I use my power destructively. I’m shocked that this has been going on for so long.
As I return to Awareness, I’m aware that I became a partner in crime with desire, going out into the world to find its objects of desire, (thinking they were mine) in order to end the suffering. But the very existence of desire, and not knowing what to do with it, IS the suffering. This I’m aware of.
Desires reaching outward, seeking outward, looking outward, searching outward, forever wandering, analyzing, figuring, manipulating, rationalizing, consuming…..this is the activity of desire not having true direction.
So, not knowing who I am, or what my function is, I tell lost desire (now me) that maybe what I’m looking for will be in exercise, moving the body, getting busy, looking for adventure, working, playing, looking to buy something, sell something, improving myself, looking for conversation, surrounding myself with people, going to parties, functions, looking put together, looking for yet another truth in a teaching or a book, attending my spiritual meetings, travelling, going on retreats, dates, looking for the attraction of a man that I can once-and-for-all connect with on a soul level, and finally stop the suffering that desire has caused. Something I want, but do not have. I detach from desire for a moment, and notice thoughts forcing me to go and get something. But I know that to find something out there is not going to end desire at all, and if it does, it won’t last for long; I will eventually feel disappointment, my heart will break again, the desire will return with a vengeance, and the same ol’ seeking will come back. Nothing I do, (in agreeing to follow desire) will bring the ego to its final end. Listening to and blindly following to the ego’s promises of desire (lies) will not end the suffering. There are no objects of desire that will bring desire to its final end. And I render myself to yet another surrendering of this.
Desire itself does not know what it wants. It wants me to join with it, be its host, to go out and fulfill its never-ending ache of yearning and craving. And so I do that, over and over again, believing that I am going to bring desire to an end. But now, after so many years, I know that outward seeking in order to end desire is only another strategy of desire to perpetuate itself. It’s not the answer I truly want. I want the peace of God. So, I decided to use desire for the spiritual path. I sought the truth in books, in workshops, retreats, YouTube videos, and got lost in that path, believing the truth is in a teaching or a book. I joined with spiritual communities to be happy like them. I forced desire to stop. I pretended I was ‘desireless’. I fought desire, tried to repress it, suppress it, but, in the end, it only increased my self-dishonesty. I concluded, desire can not be eliminated and it constantly calls to me. I realized, desire can not be relinquished by acting as a spiritual person. Desire came back. It’s feverish, and relentless, and it will not give its host any lasting relief. Looking outward to love, sex, marriage, kids, money, food, drink, conversation, adventures, travel, spiritual endeavors, thrill-seeking activities, is not fulfilling desire anymore. So, after some searching as to what I could do with this desire, I came across the Direct Path to Awakening. I’ve come to see there is another way to ending the desire and suffering of the ego. Desire can’t be eliminated by seeking objects; that is a recipe for more desire and suffering. It’s the wrong direction. I must do something to help turn desire around, and lead it back to where it came from.
To clearly lead desire to the ‘inward’ search, is the path to end pain & suffering.
This is the Truth.
I am Awareness. I must be who I am as Awareness in order to allow desire to be who it is. The answer is to stay Aware of MySelf, as Awareness. In doing so, I will be taking charge of guiding desire to follow me. I will allow it to grow in strength, and then use its strength and intensity to stay focused on ME, Awareness. I must invite the very thing I was trying to get rid of, and use it for another purpose; an inward-looking purpose.
Now that I have a clear understanding on what is really going on within my awareness, I can take the driver’s seat. I can have desire serve me in being who I am, instead of me serving it. Desire will follow me. It only wants the freedom to be and do it’s function. It’s a win-win situation.
In the past, I catered to ‘desire’, trying to please it in others, so I could have it pleased within me. My one and only purpose for this desire thing, was to have it stop pestering me. I thought others would ‘get’ happy it I served desire that lived in them, which in turn, would make me happy. But this desire does not really live in others, it lives in me, and until it’s come to a final end, there can be no real happiness. I am unhappy, because I forgot who I truly am, and I didn’t know what the heck to do with desire.
It’s like a small child having a temper tantrum, and me, an irresponsible and naive parent. If it becomes vociferous and noisy, somebody will come to fill its bottomless-pit needs. No. This must stop. Desire will never ever ever, ever, ever, stop by looking ‘outward’. There must be a direct, firm, but loving hand, to take Its rightful place as Parent, and steer ‘desire’ from looking ‘outward’ (to people, places, things, events, concepts, etc) to looking ‘inward’ instead, and bring it to its final end. This is what I want. This will take some Awareness Practice, but I’m ready.
“I have a new purpose for you, my dear desire”.
You will no longer act as my boss. I detach from assuming that you know. Your suggestions, promptings, persuasions, directions, orders, criticisms, suspicions, sarcasms, threats, ultimatums, dictates, viciousness are a cry for help. I will help. I quit cateringnd being tempted to answer your every whim, trying to give you what you think you want. You are a spoiled child who hasn’t a clue what you want. But, I love you, so I will not abandon you; neither will I continue to join in those insane destructive strategies of getting your needs met. I am in charge now. You can settle down. You need not figure anything out. But, I need you to do something for me. It is a job where I want you to do what you do best. I need you now, to play the biggest part you’ve ever played. Its the perfect job for you. To go where we are going, I need you to get super strong, and super intense. I want you to grow and grow and grow. This is your only function. This is who and what you are. Desire. Do your job and do it well my dear. As for my job, I will be Awareness observing MYSELF. I am in charge of the direction. I will direct you. I want you to shine your brightest. It’s going to be alright. You are going to finally bring all pain and suffering to its final end. Out of all the things I needed most desperately in this world, but failed to get right, was knowing who I was, and what my function was. I am Awareness, and you are desire. Lets do what we do best, and let’s do it together. You can be yourself, getting stronger with intensity, increasing in the right direction, and I will be Awareness, aware of MySelf. It will take us inward in the right direction. You are the one & only energy that will bring the ego to its final end; to infinite eternal love & peace.
To thinking, feeling and desire,
“Are we all willing and ready to take our rightful positions now?
Your Loving Infinite-Eternal Awareness
Nina’s Nuances 