Today, when I woke up this morning, (before thoughts and sense-perceptions came rushing in), the first thing I did, was be aware of who I am. I rested in this Awareness. My name is SatNinAnanda. I am a conscious living being. (Nina). I am awareness, consciously & intimately connected with Infinite-Eternal Conscious-Awareness (Sat). The experience of knowing Conscious-Awareness, is Love-Peace-Bliss. (Ananda)
Then, in an instant, I became aware of my thoughts and sense-perceptions. They are my creations. Like children, they awoke too, surrounding me from all sides. Their names are ‘thinking’, ‘feeling’, ‘sensing’, and ‘perceiving’. I became aware that I have busy, active, creations of my own. They are precious, and beautiful, innocent, but they are ignorant and naïve of who I am. When I forget the Truth of MySelf, and focus on them, they become something else entirely. They start attaching and meshing with each other. They divide and morph into more complex beings: ‘thoughts’, ‘desires’ ‘emotions’, ‘sensations’, and ‘perceptions’. Little monsters. Hell, I sure wouldn’t want them to grow into big ones now, would I? To go further into the illusion, those creations become real conceptual things, like bodies, objects, events, relationships, sex, money, buying, selling, education, science, security, safety, love and marriage, envy, greed, lack, loss, light, dark, birth, death, more, less, governments, hierarchies, dynasties, empires, nations, planets, universe, … the world.
Whoa! Back up…way, way up. I am Awareness, and it came to Me that I must BE AWARE. I must lovingly, firmly, direct these ‘ignorant, innocent children’ in the way they must go. I am their parent and I must teach them who they are by being who I AM, Awareness ItSelf. I am to help them remember I am their Parent, because they need one. When they get together inside of me, their voices are noisy and distracting, and can so easily get my attention. Then as I lose awareness of My Awareness, the voices seem become one-voice, and now, I have become something else, something that I am not. It’s a wild experience when this occurs. This one-voice begins directing Me, as if I ‘am’ the voice. I take on form and perceive a world. I have needs, and wants, and feelings, am obsessed with right and wrong, good and bad. I am possessive. I hold onto guilt and shame for something I don’t remember I have done. I can become demanding of respect and indignant if I am offended, wronged, or betrayed. I’m at conflict with myself and I feel completely out of control. I, no longer aware of Awareness Itself, have ‘become’ the voice of fear, indecision and doubt. I can also be sweet and manipulative to get what I want. I am relentless in my pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain. I simply can not stop. Feeling and desire are calling out for help, and I feel like a tired, helpless victim without an answer.
But awareness came, and I realized no one with awareness was running the show. The children did not know ME because I was not BEING their parent. I was not being what I was created to be. With no Awareness, all is lost. With no awareness, all is chaos. All attractions & repulsions, pleasures and pain have been created from unawareness. The True Aware Parent has been forgotten. The child is lost. And a ‘lost child’ has the capability of creating havoc in worlds within worlds, all ending in pain, suffering and destruction.
Whoa! Coming back to Awareness, and after spending much time with Awareness, in Awareness of Awareness, my children (thinking, feeling, sensing, perceiving) are now beginning to reflect their true selves more and more. I am now back to being Aware, as Guide, Organizer, Director, Inner Silence. I now see with the inner Eye of Awareness. I see that when I had no awareness of Myself, I seemed to become aware of something else, (to the point where I was lost and confused), no one was in charge. The world became full of victims and victimizers, I was not attending to myself, as Awareness. And I, who was acting on behalf of a ‘lost voice’ have now regained Awareness, and I can now return to Awareness and be the Parent in Charge of my children once again; ‘thinking’, ‘feeling’, ‘sensing’, ‘perceiving’, (my children)”.
So, today, I sat up, and remembered who I am, and what I am to do. I told each of my creations to take a break. I told them that I will be needing them in time, but that I need to Be who I truly am NOW. I am Awareness, and I need to be with Awareness now and forever. While I am awake and aware in day to day life, my creations will serve me well. I explained to each of them they would all have a function to serve in my Self-Expression. They would be seen and heard when I am Being Aware, not at any other time. I told them I will be taking time for me more, Awareness, in holy communion with MYSELF, Awareness, so, they would all have more time when I express MySelf. I gave them all re-assurance that while I am practicing Awareness in meditation, that they respect and honor the Silence. They can show up spontaneously and functionally in daily life. I informed them lovingly and gently that I will not abandon them, or hurt them. They will be receiving all the lessons they will need when I choose to focus and stay aware as the Parent that I am. I promised them, as I become more aware of Awareness, they will come to understand, feel, desire, sense and perceive truly. They are not to attach or demand of Me my Attention. They must wait until I need them to show up truly. I win, and they win. WE all WIN. I am truly Independent of them, but as a living-conscious being of Awareness, those emanations of Me will shine bright and become as I am, gracefully and lovingly expressing ourselves as Infinite-Eternal-Awareness-Love-Peace-Bliss.
Nina’s Nuances 